BY Kathleen pritchartt
2.14.2025
2.14.2025
‘Tis the season of love...or is it? No matter your relationship status, I have the perfect song for you this Valentine’s season. Find the scenario below that best describes your love life, and follow MY expert advice for best results (you must listen to your prescribed song...I’ll know).
“Single/ready to mingle but my standards are a brick wall between me and my one true love”- Listen to “Number One Rule” by Megan Thee Stallion. Your “brick wall” is actually a force field protecting your heart until someone good enough comes along. Please put this on repeat during treadmill struts (preferably at 4.2 mph) and remember that you deserve a top tier human because YOU are a top tier human! (If you are not a top tier human, see “Single 😼“)
“Not dating or exclusive but logically should be by now but why question smtg good lol”- Listen to “Casual” by Chappell Roan. Also, let’s preemptively schedule a therapy session for next month <3
“Single and dying in a situationship”- Please see above. Also, check your inbox for my anti-situationship manifesto, “Here’s the Sitch”.
“Married with 2 kids”- Channel your parental energy with any Tom Petty song. Bonus points if you do this with your kids on a poorly insulated road trip, which will likely give them “Free Falling”-induced nausea for the rest of their lives.
“Taken af”- Listen to “good 4 u” by Olivia Rodrigo (derogatory). Now is not the time to rub this in- I need you to hold space for the single community this month. Additionally, kindly keep the cute Valentine’s posts/stories to a minimum out of respect (unless it’s a hard launch, in which case please provide details).
“[Love is] on the horizon!”- Listen to “Supercut” by Lorde, aka the ultimate crushing/romance-in-the-air song. This will also manifest warm sunny days with gentle breeze for the broader community.
“21 years old, I have NO money and NO prospects, I’m a burden to my parents/scared”- Listen to either “Lotus Eater” by FINNEAS (introspective) or “FaceTime with my Mom (Tonight)” by Bo Burnham (wallowing in filial dependence).
“Single 😼“- Listen to “Give Me Everything-- Stripped” from the Bridgerton soundtrack (with caution; this song has a magnetic effect when listened to dreamily in public).
“Basically married but like too young to be married 😻😻“ - Open Instagram, search “naluthepianoman”, and find the Harry Potter x Swiftie wedding mashup. Screen record this. Save the audio as an audio file. Listen to nothing else until you are married.
“Delusion, but I am kind of right”- Listen to “Good Luck, Babe!” by Chappell Roan. That’s all I have to say.
“Don’t like anyone ever ♥️“- Listen to “Tough Love“ by Gracie Abrams. You are wiser and more emotionally disciplined than all of us.
“Dating the guy I’m super sure I’m going to marry. He’s kind and goofy.”- Listen to “Praying” by Ke$ha because this is what I’m doing for you.
“It’s complicated”- Listen to “Break Up with Your Girlfriend” by Ariana Grande. Applies to any potential suitor in this situation.
Just started talking to a coworker from your hometown before you came back from winter break- Listen to “Come Back, Be Here (Taylor’s Version)” by Taylor Swift if things are going well. If not, listen to “F2F” by SZA. If things are truly neutral (ONLY IF THEY ARE ACTUALLY NEUTRAL, BE HONEST!!!), listen to “Haus of Holbein” by the cast of SIX: The Musical because SIX is criminally underappreciated.
“EXTREMMMMEEEEE SINGLE”- Listen to “I’m Single and I’m Lit” by Rontae Don’t Play at maximum volume for the duration of your morning routine. If you are only moderately single, see “single 😼“.
If you’ve reached the end of the list and haven’t found yourself, reread this article with more imagination. And remember, if you don’t listen to your song, we will have beef...