Dylan Hyman’s Musings For Your Muesli

Sept. 30

• finger foods are meant for your fingers! no need to fork a delectable quiche or a scrumptious pig in a blanket. save your fork and knife for the diner and opt for the protrusions on your hand known as fingers, you’ll save time and money!
• blowing your nose is not an excuse to play haydn’s trumpet concerto! if need be, excuse yourself to a more private location and toot to your heart’s content. save us the “pleasure” of having to hear your big solo.
• coffee breath, get outta here! we know you have it, you know you have it, don’t make us grin and bear during our more “personal” conversations. if you have a steaming cup of joe, just remember to brush your teeth or chew some gum afterwards to avoid this irritating affliction. 

Oct. 7

• hulu, netflix’s odd cousin. you see them around the holidays and get a birthday card from them, but besides the awkward hello’s, you don’t speak much. i have one question for you hulu, why are you making us pay for ads!? unlike every other streaming service, you maintain advertisements past the paywall and force your users to pay extra for ad free viewing. we choose your service to get away from silly tv ads, so why do you force us to dish out more money on top of the base subscription for something that should be included from the very start? a premium package should include early access to new shows and movies or the ability to choose what new programs come to the service next. shame on you hulu, shame…

Oct. 14

• dear fast food chains, i understand your goal is to deliver my order in the shortest time possible. that’s the name of the game. but please, for the love of fries, make sure my order is correct. when i am craving cool ranch doritos locos tacos, my world crumbles to the taste of nacho cheese in that all important first bite. mistakes happen, it is human nature, and i suppose you get what you pay for…but it is just soul crushing to not receive the greasy treat you were expecting in your brown bag parcel. we have all been there, that limbo state of wondering whether or not to bring the order back or just suck it up and eat it anyways- so let us pour out a mcflurry for the ones who were unpleasantly surprised with nuggets instead of strips as they opened up their late night snack back at home. dill.

Oct. 21

• cashiers, give me my change first and my money second. i can quickly take the change and throw it in my pocket while you prepare my bills to be secured in my wallet. when you toss coins on top of the bills, i have to juggle the change with the receipt while trying to reach my wallet in my back pocket. perhaps it’s me using “old school” hard cash, but it still frustrates me that cashiers haven’t figured out how to best deliver my change so that i don’t have to make a fool of myself in a long line of impatient shoppers. the coins usually end up sliding off the bills onto the counter and then i have to put everything down to clean my act up and get my wallet out. please cashiers, use yer noodle and just give me my pocket change first so that i have time to stay organized and keep the line moving efficiently.